baby_star11's Xanga

Barlow Girls

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 01:45:41 GMT

It's funny... I've always knew of this group. But it's when I was at placement today when my supervisor showed me a music video that I have become aquinted with their songs. I almost cried when I first listened to the song... it's called "Mirror"... and then I search them up... and I'm in love with their music... it's... empowering... I like it... This song speaks of my situation right now... so true...

Surrender - Barlow Girls

My hands hold safly to my dreams
Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 00:27:00 GMT

what do you do when you hate your mom?

I'm sick and tired of this crap. I am drained from the daily battles. I can't grasp how a mother can be so calculating, so unloving, so bitter towards her own child. I hate her. It's done.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 05:24:06 GMT

Luke 6:42 - "How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

These words hits me like rushing waters... the promise of letting go... of forgiveness... of reconciliation... taking the plank out of my eye...

Luke 6:42-45 - "No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."

overflow... may you be the overflow of my life... i wonder what actually comes out of my mouth... is it editfying? is it of You? is it pleasing to You?

I long to be at Your feet... these words is my prayer, my desire... overwhelm me, Father...

This song's been on my heart ever since the first time I've heard it... it's played by an unlikely person... by someone i admire... someone i once loved... someone who've hurt me... someone who i've blamed for all the hurt that i carried for all these years... yet someone that taught me a lot... taught me that God transforms people... that God is God...

God is funny...

Hate That I Love You...

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 02:51:49 GMT

And I can't stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile?
And then I like you for a while
No...

But you won't let me
You upset me girl and then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget that I was upset
Can't remember what you did

But I hate it
You know exactly what to do so that I can't stay mad at you for too long
That's wrong but I hate it

You know exactly how to touch
So that I don't wanna fuss and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you

And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy (ohh)
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so (ooh)

And you completely know the power that you have
The only one that makes me laugh
Sad and it's not fair
How you take advantage of the fact that I...
Love you beyond a reason why (whyyy)
And it just ain't right

And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you (yeah yeah)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you so

One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me
And your kiss will make me weak
But no one in this world
Knows me the way you know me
So you'll probably always have a spell on me...

yeahhhhh ohhhh ohhh
oh yeah

It's how much I love you
It's how nuch I need you
It's how much I love you (ohh)
It's how much I need you
And I hate that I love you
Sooooo
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can't stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can't let you go
And I hate that I love you soo
And I hate that I love you soo sooo

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 01:48:43 GMT

more and more i find that i like to keep things to myself... blogging is difficult... apparently talking becomes difficult... don't wanna talk anymore... what changed? ... because there's nothing to talk about...

Friday, October 26, 2007

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 05:21:36 GMT

i am sick... i got the cold/flu... i took advil... and now i'm allergic to advil and got hives... so i tried to sleep it off... and couldn't sleep... and now i think i have the fever... =S *sigh*

one of those nights...

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 01:36:06 GMT

i've never thought that i could feel full on all these feelings again... it's just one of those nights... i've thought all these have passed away, gone like the wind... i've thought i knew better, i know better, and that i've grown out of it... and tears have run dry... and again, i was wrong...

today brought me back to a place that i don't know how to deal... back to this place of horror, back to a life i wish i could never remember...

i love soemthing that my prof said in class: "<strong>what you resist, it will presist</strong>." Did i resist once upon a time that it came back to haunt me? I thought I knew better... I thought it's gone... I really did... I never thought it would come back the way it did.. it came back... soo horribly... so vividly...

this reminds me of why I do what I do... why we need God... why i am standing here now...

this is it.. no more tears.. this is not me... this is not my story...

Why we do what we do...

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 22:56:43 GMT

She looks into the mirror once more
Before carefully stepping out the door
Nervous and shy, she walks to school
Though tries to appear calm and cool
In the distance she hears a laugh
She blushes and stumbles along the path
'It's him', she sighs, filled with joy
Coz she lives her life for this one boy
His black hair, his perfect face
Is the reason she quickens her pace
Because of him, she hid her knife
Coz of him, she chose life...

She enters class, her hopes are high
She picks a seat close to that guy
Every now and then she risks a peek
Although the teacher starts to speak
And asks a question to her it seems
But the girl is lost within her dreams...
Reality hits when she hears the sound
Of that boy laughing in the background
"Friggin Hell! She's such a geek!"
He says and she feels suddenly weak
"I'd sonner die than touch that chick"
Again the laughter, she feels so sick...

Silence falls, so wide and gaping
The only sound, is her heart breaking
He walks to her desk with a sneer
And pours icy water down on her hair
She slowly looks up, her mascara drips
Tears in her eyes, trembling lips
She leaves before they see her cry
But teers build up, she wants to die

She runs back home, with no glance back
Her wounded heart continues to crack
Back inside, she slams the door
Looks into that mirror just like before
But this time her anger bursts out
She smashes that mirror with a loud shout
Her fist is bleeding, ripped and torn
She collaspses in a corner, feeling worn
She feels so lost, her sorrow consumes,
Shes' so alone in this big dark room...

For once she wanted to feel loved
But as usual, gets pushed and shoved
Her father left when she was three
Her mum's a drunk, and hooked on 'p'
Never home and too pissed to care
'No wonder I'm screwed' she wipes a tear
'But no longer will they ruin my life'
She goes to the kitchen, grabs a knife
So shiny and sharp, she stares in awe
An escape at last, she shuts the door...

She pierces deep into the vein
She doesn't stop, ignores the pain
Her arms, her legs, her feet, her hips
Are all sliced up, the warm blood drips
She leaves her slender wrists for last
For still she has yet one more tastk
She stumbles out to the garden shed
No feelings of remorse or dread
And in the darkness, her fingers grope
Reaching out for the tangled rope
She undoes it, her eyes agleam
She climbs and ties it to a beam
STanding strong upon the deck
She slips the knot around her neck
The guy she loved fills her last thoughts
If only he'd loved her, but pain he'd brought
With a defiant nod, she takes one last breath
And plunges silently to her death...

Twelve days later, her mum finds her dead
Strangled and rotting in teh garden shed
The day of the funeral finally arrives
Grief's in the air, but no mournful cries
For nobody loved her or acknowledged her life
Before she ended it with the rope and knife
Except for one figure, alone in the rain
Clothed in black, face tearstained

His eyes are lowered, his face is blank
He still regrets that awful prank
He didn't mean to hurt her so
But now she's dead, she'll never know
That he's loved her since second grade
He'd longed for her but was afraid
He'd lived to see her pretty face
And wished to feel her sweet embrace
Too long he'd kept his feelings inside
If only he'd told her before she died
His heart was torn, his soul, it bled

He couldn't accept that she was dead
The sadness took over and he froze
Then placed on the grave a single rose
Wiped from his face one tragic tear
Then walked away, filled with despair...

To Know Your Name - Hillsong

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 04:16:18 GMT

The precious blood of Jesus Christ redeems

Forgiven, alive, restored, set free

Your majesty resides inside of me

Forever I believe, forever I believe

Arrested by the truth and righteousness

Your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness

Convicted by your spirit, let by Your Word

Your love will never fail, Your love will never fail

Oh Lord, You gave the world Your only Son for us

To know Your name, to live within the Saviour's love

You took my place, knowing He'd be crucified

You loved, You loved, a people undeserving

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Sat, 12 May 2007 01:23:29 GMT

Friday nite sucks... I hate Friday nites... I don't even remember what I usually on Friday nites... but I remember the last two being quite boring... ever since schools done and no more Saturday morning work, my Friday nites & Saturday mornings have been quite empty... my mom is out to fellowship, dad's been on the phone all nite, boyfriend is studying... and me? just sitting here... bored... maybe I'm afraid of this quietness... of nothing to do... of simplicity... of sitting... of having no one around... I don't know what to do... or what to do with myself... *sigh* I hate Friday nites...

Lust is wanting what you can't have... trying to get what's not rightfully yours...